A New Chapter: the horizon's in the distance

In exactly 20 days, I will start a new chapter in my life: graduate school.

To be honest, I don't think I'd ever make it this far. Sure, I'd talked on and off about the possibility of getting my Masters, but I've never had any real sense of direction. In high school, I made good grades. I went to college because that is what you are supposed to do. I majored in Art, because I enjoyed in and I figured if I had to spend four more years being educated I should at least enjoy it. Besides, "they" always said you should just get a degree. It didn't seem to matter what it was in.

Four years later, I had a nice fancy piece of paper that said I was an expert in Fine Arts, as well as in Educational Ministries. I had double majored at the last minute, because I didn't see the point in a minor. What would a minor do for me exactly? I enjoyed Theology, I was at a Southern Baptist university and I had made good grades in all my required Theology courses..so why not?

And then off into the real world I went. I quickly found out that "they" were wrong. Having two degrees was impressive, but that didn't get me any great job. I bounced around from one hourly paid job to another, never making much money and never finding a niche.

Once out of the religious bubble of a Christian school, I found myself disillusioned with the church. Never with God, mind you. Never with Jesus. But with christians. I discovered that so many of us want to talk a great talk, but don't walk our faith. I'm just as guilty, but I've always tried my hardest to simply be myself. I don't pretend that I'm perfect, and I do NOT judge others for their imperfections. None of us are righteous, and all are sinners. So really, who are we to judge one another?

But that's not what this blog is about, so I digress. The point is in becoming so unglued from church, I knew I'd never work for one. So  my educational ministry degree served very little purpose. Other then it was a reminder that I have a genuine heart for people. I will always want to serve. Since I was a little girl, I've been the "listener", the "therapist". But what did that mean?

My art degree? Well...i've never wanted to teach. And I'm no Monet. So what does one do with that? I discovered along the way the therepeutic side of art. The healing potential it has, not only for the one doing it but for those that look at it. So now what?

I decided to look into Art therapy. And that brought me to U of L. They have one of the only art therapy programs in the state, and I live in Louisville. It only made sense to check into it. Turns out I was missing a lot of prerequisites. The cheapest and fastest way to get around this was to enroll as an undergrad yet again. So i began my journey in January of 2011.

Psychology became my major, and for two full semesters I lived, breathed and ate psychology. However, the more I looked into it, I still felt disconnected. It seemed so focused, so final, so closed off.

Upon the urging of a good friend, I made an appointment to speak with someone in the Social Work office. Within ten minutes, my whole scholastic life had been turned upside down. The woman that I spoke with was one of the deans of the Kent School, and she highly advised me to apply for graduate school for a Masters of Science in Social work. With this degree, I'd be able to work towards becoming a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, this would allow for me to see patients as a Therapist and I'd be billable for Medicare/Medicaid. This is a good thing, as anyone who's ever worked in billing knows.

Not only that, but the spectrum of Social Work is so much more open. A social worker says that there's more to a person's problem then just state of self. Psychology is very inward. You are who you are because of who you are. Social Work says that you are who you are because of a culmination of things...how you were raised, where you were raised, who you were raised by. This speaks more to the idea of holistic treatment. I'm a firm believer in that. There are so many factors that contribute to our personality and to our sense of self. It's important to look at the bigger picture to see cause and effect.

Not only that, but social workers get their hands dirty. They aren't paid billions of dollars to sit in an office and treat the wealthy. They are working with every aspect of human kind. The poor, the homeless, single parents, wards of the state. Social workers do not see race, nor wealth. they don't judge based on religion or creed. They are simply there to help. It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, they are there to help.

Please don't get me wrong I'm not saying that Psychologists or Psychiatrists don't do this as well, I'm just saying that more often then not it's the Social Workers who are really in the trenches.

And well, I've realized that's where I want to be.

I've still got so much to learn. I'm not coming at this with any sort of background. I've sorta been in left field for much of the game. It's exciting and overwhelming all at the same time. And because there are so many opportunites and the door is open so wide within this area, I'm still not quite sure where I'll find myself at the end of my two year study. However, that's the beauty of the program. I'll get to work with a variety of people, learn a variety of skills and hopefully through the combination of education and experience I'll have a better idea at the end which direction I'll be going in.

At least I know what road I'm walking on now and that in itself is quite a relief. For so long I've just wandered aimlessly with no real end in sight. It's nice to see the horizon in my sight.

Breed Specific Legislation is a joke

Meet Tank. Probably the best dog in the world. Obviously, I may be a little biased, but I don't know...he is pretty awesome. He is my baby. Okay, so no I didn't give birth to him. And truth be known if you want to get technical about it he isn't even mine. He was originally saved by my boyfriend's ex girlfriend. While they were together, he became the light of my boyfriend's life. When they split up, losing the dog was a pretty devastating blow for Charlie. However, about three years ago, she asked Charlie if he'd take him. Tank had bounced around from home to home for a while, because she'd been unable to keep him. Charlie didn't even have to think about it.

Flash forward to a few years later...and now, I consider him my baby. He snuggles with me at night. He gives me kisses when I need them, and even when I don't. He's never far from my side and even though he is probably one of the sweetest dogs in the world, people tend to be scared of him. Sometimes that's to my advantage. Especially, on night's that Charlie works.

And don't get me wrong, if he ever thought for a second that someone was trying to harm either Charlie or I, I have no doubt in my mind he'd eat your face off. But for the most part he's simply content to lick it off.

It's sad to me the misconception people have about Bully breeds. Tank is a red nosed American Pit Bull.  He's 80 some lbs, strong as an ox and has a head as big as one. Sure, I can understand the trepidation around him. A person should always have a healthy fear of a dog. But that's of any dog. Statistically speaking, did you know that the Golden Retriever is more of a perpetrator then a Pit? Yup. Bite for bite, the Golden has been the cause of more dog bite accidents. Yet, Pit Bulls will get euthanized in a heart beat because they are such "aggressive" dogs.

I hate to break it to you, but any dog can be aggressive. I bet even Lassie could be mean if she wanted to. A dog is going to treat you as he's been treated. If you beat a dog, or starve a dog, or train a dog to attack people, then you should not be surprised if one day it bites someone. On the other hand, if you provide that same dog with love and compassion, then you'll get that back ten fold.

The true crime does not lie within the animal, but rather within it's owner. And that's a real shame. Why don't we euthenize all the bad owners? That makes more sense to me. (I mean, okay...not really, but you get what I'm saying.) You put down a dog because it's a "bad dog", and yet the only crime that dog committed was that fate allowed him in the wrong hands. That same owner is going to do the same thing to another dog and another dog and another dog.

We do not blame a victim if he or she is raped. It's not their fault that someone violates them against their will. So why do we blame an innocent animal?

Recently a dog in N. Ireland was put to death simply because he was thought to be a pit bull. He'd not bit anyone, not hurt anyone, had never even acted in a way that showed aggression. Yet a committee decreed that because he fit the standards of a pit bull, he should be taken away from him home and family and killed. People have been all up in arms about this in the US. I've seen a lot of posts, blogs and websites dedicated to this atrocity.

However, need I remind you that here right in the US we're doing the same thing? In parts of Florida and Colorado, Pit Bulls are considered an illegal breed and someone so much as thinks you have one, they will come in and do the same thing.

Be informed. Get educated. And please spread the word to end Breed Specific Legislation.

Keep Swimming...

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

― Albert Einstein

I love this particular quote. I actually gave a presentation in one of my classes last semester around this nugget of loveliness. The point I was making was that often times we perceive ourselves differently then how others view us.

In that respect, I am my own worst critic. I think I've spent much of my life ignoring the qualities that I have and instead focus on my flaws. It's only in the last few years that I've really started to accept myself for my "fishy-ness", if you will. It wasn't so much the world that was expecting to me to climb that tree, but rather myself. And no matter how much I flopped and flipped and twirled, I couldn't get my fins to wrap around that big ol' tree.

And in such, I felt I was a failure.

Here was a girl who had two college degrees, a great family, a handful of great friends and yet nothing seemed to be coming together. My relationships were failures, my employment a joke, and my life unfulfilled.

I had the recipe for a successful life, but yet in comparison to my friends who'd found husbands, steady jobs, nice incomes and seemingly perfect lives, I didn't feel very successful.

I'm not sure exactly what brought it all in perspective for me, but there came a point when I took a deep breath and really examined my life and I realized that my biggest problem was I was too worried about meeting other's expectations and comparing my life to the world's standards.

This was the start of a beautiful journey for me. I started to really look inward and I realized that I needed to strip away some things and really find out who I was and what I wanted to achieve in life.

Imagine, if you will an old table. Something you've found at a thrift store, or an antique shop, or even the side of the road. The outer appearance is pretty shabby. It's been painted half a dozen times, and banged up and worn out. Imagine the places that table has been. The houses it's set in. The families that have used it. It's been the sitting place of a housewife, sipping her morning coffee. A resting place for a weary head. The school desk for children doing homework. The canvas of a scribbling four year old. A cat's jumped on it. A skillet has burned it. A shot of whiskey has stained it. It's traveled from place to place and everywhere it's been it's fulfilled some new purpose. It's full of experiences, and has seen more things then you or I.

Yet now it sits, dusty and worn, forgotten. There it is in the corner of that antique shop, or piled up with odds and ends in that thrift store, or worse yet in the back alley surrounded by trash and being more and more weathered by the elements.

One day you see it and you pick it up. You take it home. You see it's potential. You realize it has worth and so you begin the stripping process. You clean it, you sand it, you chip away all the dirt and layers of paint. And underneath? Underneath, you see it's true beauty. The grain of the wood, the ornate carvings. You can see the love that some craftsman put into it. The purpose that it's master carpenter had when he first had the vision of making that table.

And so you wipe away the junk. You apply a little varnish. You refinish it to it's original beauty. And there it stands: A diamond in the rough.

I think we're all like that. Our Master Carpenter, our Creator, our God had some divine purpose for each of us. My purpose is not yours, and your's not mine. There is no comparison. We are each beautiful and serve a purpose far greater then even we can imagine. Yet so often, we spend our lives bouncing from place to place, identity to identity, like a chameleon, always just adapting to our surroundings, doing what is expected. Or perhaps not, perhaps rebelling simply to rebel, not to achieve greatness, but to escape our confusion of what we are "supposed" to do.

That's not to say that these experiences aren't neccesary. Just as this table went from home to home and perhaps served a purpose in each of those homes, in the end it sat it's original intent long forgotten.

As human beings, created by a loving God, we need to remember we have a purpose. And no matter where we've been, or where we are going, we have not yet arrived. We need to strip ourselves down to core, sometimes. Allow the refinishing process to take place. Remember that we are each different and each made for something great. I can't be my best, if I'm trying to be like you.

So yeah, i've finally accepted my fishy-ness. I'm finding satisfaction in the simple things. I'm constantly learning and evolving and finding out more about what makes me ME. In the process, I might lose some friends. But the question I ask is, "Are they really my friends?" I may walk away from those previous degrees. I might not have a big home, or children or a husband. But the question I ask is, " Was that truly my path? "

I am happy in my small house, living with a man I love and who loves me back, with a dog that provides us with companionship, love and protection. With family members who support us, no matter what we are doing, with a handful of friends who get it. I don't worry about how others might judge me, or whether what I'm doing makes sense to them.

It makes sense to me. I am happy. And I'll continue to swim, while the rest of the world might climb. At this point, I recognize that I'm on the right path. For once in my life, I'm doing what's natural. And in that, I've found my own worth, my own intelligence, and my own purpose.

Baby, you've come a long way..

I had a point.

I really did. I came to this very website fully intending to write something that was right there. You know what I mean. It was there, on the forefront of my mind, at the tip of my tongue, just BEGGING me to put it down on paper.

I really did have a point.

But as with most things in my life, change is inevitable. My daddy always says that I chase a lot of rabbits. What he means by that, in case you aren't fluent in country plain speak, is that I get distracted. Easily. By things people say, by things I see, by my own thoughts...it just happens. And so i jump, from one "rabbit" to the next. Usually never catching any of them, but enjoying myself thoroughly, often at the confusion of my peers.

And so with this blog.

Truth be know, I forgot I even HAD this blog. I've been reading my friend Sam's writings, and tonight as I sat in an empty quiet house with only the dog for company, the sound of a ticking clock in my ears, and the smoke from my burning cigarette clouding my vision, I decided to write.

I use to write all the time. And obviously a few years ago I had been prompted to start again on this very blog! But, as with most things, and in line with my rabbit chasing's I walked away. My blog became much like a discarded rag that one forgets they even own.

So I had a point, you see? I came here expressively to write about something. And then...

And then..

Well, and then I saw my old posts. And I was curious, ya know? Wondered what had been on my mind three years ago. So i read them.

That's when my point changed.

It changed because...well, because I didn't recognize the girl that wrote those posts. I mean, I did...but I didn't. I read them with the interest that one has when finding a diary that is not their own. I read them sitting here, today. And this was a girl so far removed from the woman that sits here today. It was a bit mind boggling, to be honest with you.

Floods of memory came back for some of those posts, and other's...well I'm not sure if it's age, or importance, but I didn't have the foggiest idea of what I'd been talking about. I'm thinking it's probably the importance factor more so then age. It brings to mind the  old quip of "Well, will it really matter five years from now?"

Tee hee...Oh and I know me. Yes, I know me better then anyone. And let me tell you, I can almost readily assure you that at the time i wrote these blogs, it did matter damnit. It mattered more then anyone could ever understand (insert dramatic whalings here).

And yet, it didnt. Because whatever was on my mind in 2009, that was so important that i freakin had to blog about it, doesn't even register in the ol' cluebox today in 2012.

So yeah. My point changed.

It's funny isn't it? The things we find important. And the people that we think we are. It's like we recognize the changes that will occur from childhood to adolescence. And again from adolescence to young adulthood. But for some reason we are so convinced that by the time we hit out early 20's we've got it all figured out. And that we just are who we are. We won't change. Maybe we'll age, but inevitably, who we've become is just IT.

Guess what? It's not.

It's not at all. And the best part of recognizing this little factor, is that you also realize that who you are today...i mean RIGHT NOW....well, that's gonna change, too.

And that's GREAT.

I mean it. It's absa-stinki-lutely GREAT. I'm so so so so (you get the idea, yes?) pleased that I am not who I was in 2009. Aww man PRAISE JESUS!!! Because without change, there is no growth.

And we gotta grow, guys. I mean there's just no way around it. You should want to grow. Everyday you should want to wake up just a little bit more then you were the day before. That allows for true experience in life.

I mean, let me explain by self examination....that post about that boy with that kid? Yeah. guess what...that absolutely didnt last. He was FOR SURE not "the one". LOL. and the girl that was so excited to write about him, well..she figured that  out...probably like a month after she wrote that post. If it even made it a month. The details are a bit foggy.

And she was sad. I remember that girl. Yeah, she was pretty unhappy. But that same girl made it through the rest of that year and ended up meeting a pretty amazing guy.

He wasn't perfect either, mind you. There were still some things that had to be worked through and worked out. But they did. Because that girl grew up, and that guy she met? Well he wasn't a boy. He was a man.

And we've now been together nearly three years. Going strong. I wouldn't trade him for anything.  I love him more then words can say.

I live for today, in my relationship with Charlie. I don't worry about the what if's anymore. Or get bent out of shape about our future plans. I don't care about future plans. Well, let me rephrase that...i care, but what WILL be is not more important to me then what IS. Today I'm happy. And if tomorrow isn't easy, then he and I will work that out then. We just take it as it comes.

Does that sound like the same girl from that blog in 2009? Nope. Because I CHANGED. I GREW. I EXPERIENCED. I just...woke up. And each day I wake up a bit more.

Same goes for all that job drama. And oh was it drama. Sheew. I left that awful place. I bounced around here and there. And a year ago, I sorta fell back into school. Always said I'd go back, never thought it'd be in this particular direction, but then again, you know what they say, "While we make plans, God laughs."

I went back thinking I'd pursue Art therapy. Instead, I'm about to start graduate school this fall working towards my Master of Science in Social Work. I might end up utilizing some art therapy in my practice, but I discovered I have a passion for people that drives me much more then my passion for art ever did.

So yeah, in a couple years, I should be well on my way to becoming a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, with the intent of becoming a Therapist. But as I've well learned, just because that's my plan, doesn't make it so. Again, I'm just taking it day by day, letting the cards fall as they may. Whatever will be, will be. I'm just along for the ride, ya know?

My point changed. And I'm glad for it. I'm not even sure what I was planning on writing really (there goes those rabbits!), but I'm thankful for the direction that it went. It's good to reflect. Life has a funny way of showing you where you were and how very far you've come.

Baby, you've come a long way...