Tuesday, February 4, 2014
You'll never forget...
You'll never forget your first love. The one who rose above all others. The one that made you smile and see flowers for hours upon hours. Life was so clear and this love so dear that you just knew you'd never feel fear again. This love was your knight riding a horse so shiny and bright; you could no longer imagine what the darkness was like. This person fit you just like a glove and you knew it was someone you'd never grow sick of.
You'll never forget your first love
You'll never forget your first heartbreak. The moment when that thing in your chest sputtered, splashed and sank. The moment when you thought life was over and you just knew you'd never recover and the sun disappeared and the day grew dark and dank. The clock grew slower and slower until at last it was so dusty and dim and still; you just knew that you were powerless with no will to survive the rising tides of depression that was so close to your heart that it could have bit you like a snake
No, you'll never forget your first heartbreak.
These "firsts" -they shake us, they make us into who we are. You can't truly grow if you don't first know what it's like to fall in love and then be shattered like a mirror on the floor. From the millions of pieces
that lay on the ground there's a quiet stillness that makes such little sound that you have to take the time to look inward and around. From that moment in the depths of dispair you'll find yourself-your true self-
hiding in there!
You'll arise from the grave no longer a slave to the toxic waste that had taken over the space of your heart. Like some bad tenet, that you cant get rid of. Your vision will be clearer and you'll rebuild that broken mirror that before only showed lies Now you realize that peace and happiness and true joy isn't found in some other girl or boy.
Its found within.
"To thine ownself be true"- William Shakespeare
Friday, June 21, 2013
A journey to the ten pound lighter version of me.
Today is June 20th, 2013. It's a Thursday. There's not really much special about today. It's not a birthday or an anniversary. It's not the beginning of a season or a month. It's not a holiday. However, it's going to be an important date. It's the day I began a journey to the ten pounds lighter version of me.
Ten pounds may also seem pretty insignificant. Ten pounds is a lot like June 20th, 2013. It's going to be a big deal. It's going to be a big deal because first of all....I could really stand to lose ten pounds. But I could really really really stand to lose a LOT more than ten pounds. And so that is where I'll start. Because I can lose ten, then I can lose 20. If i can lose 20, well shoot then I can lose 30, right?? Right! However, if you were to ask me today "So, can you lose 30 pounds?" my answer would have to be "um...yes. absolutely. If pigs can grow wings and fly, then I can lose 30 pounds." And of course I'd say that statement in my most dead-pan of voices while rolling my eyes and thinking how I can believe you'd ask a chunky monkey like myself such a stupid question.
The point is...30 pounds or 50 pounds or 80 pounds....whatever the total amount is ANY of us need to lose, it's pretty daggum daunting. I am not going to set myself up for failure. I'm not about to start thinking of the mountain that needs to be climbing before I manage to get over the hill that comes before it.
So yeah...today on a pretty insignificant day, I'm making a goal to lose a pretty insignificant amount of weight. Oh and to make it sound even more ho-hum?? I'm not even setting a date of when I plan to reach it. Sheeeew. No, son!
Here's what I figure. I'll make a plan. I'll do part of that plan each day. I'll monitor what goes in my mouth. I'll say a little prayer. I'll blog a little blog and I'll just see what happens.
Sometimes people just work better without a plan. That's sorta how I started my journey to becoming a reformed smoker. I didn't prep, like they always say. I didn't taper down. I didn't set a quit date. I just freaking quit. And I've slipped up here and there. But guess what? Whenever I have, I didn't throw my hands up in the air and say "Well, oops. I screwed up, might as well go back to being a smoker!" Nope, I just accepted that I slipped up and picked up where I left off.
So far that seems to be working best for me. I've been quit over a month (approx a month and a week.) and during that time I've had the equivalent of two packs. Trust me, compared to a pack and a half a day habit that I used to have, that's pretty much winning.
I feel like I've gotten a fairly good handle on the cigarette habit. So now, it's time to tackle these extra pounds. I'm not sure where they came from to be honest with you. Okay that's a lie....I know where they came from...stress eating, not exercising regularly, far too much fast-food and "convenience" eating and a lack of structure in mealtimes all contributed to all these extra pounds. However, I swear I didn't really know it was happening. One day I'm in the best shape of my life and the next I am struggling to do one flippin sit up.
But it's okay. I'm aware. I'm going to do something about it. Starting today. Don't know how long it'll take me, but I'm making an effort. And that's all one can do.
Tonight I began a thirty day ab challenge. 15 sit-ups, 5 crunches, 5 leg raises and an attempt at a 10 second plank (yeah, sadly I made it 6 sec. and fell on my face. pushed back up for 4 more seconds....i realize this equals 10, but I don't think that's how you're supposed to do it.)
Then I did a brisk 6 minute walk. (Again, i realize that sounds weak, but it is what it is.)
--------
I'm shocked in a lot of ways at exactly how out of shape I've gotten. Again, I can't say that I can't understand how it happened. But I am an active person. I'm constantly moving around and doing something. However I have absolutely no strength. Trying to do 15 situps was ridiculously hard. Planking was an epic fail. At this point I cant even imagine a 20 minute jog.
But we all must start somewhere. So embarrassing or not....i'm going to not only do this journey but attempt to blog about it. If it's read, so be it. If it's not, then at least I'll have it. To look back over as I continue on. Reminding me of where I started and where I'm going.
I just want to be healthier. I want to be in better shape. I want to fit into my clothes and not huff and puff when I walk up a flight of stairs. I'd like my feet to quit hurting, and my back to quit aching. I'd like to sleep better and just FEEL better.
So it begins: a journey to a ten pound lighter version of me....and then who knows??
Ten pounds may also seem pretty insignificant. Ten pounds is a lot like June 20th, 2013. It's going to be a big deal. It's going to be a big deal because first of all....I could really stand to lose ten pounds. But I could really really really stand to lose a LOT more than ten pounds. And so that is where I'll start. Because I can lose ten, then I can lose 20. If i can lose 20, well shoot then I can lose 30, right?? Right! However, if you were to ask me today "So, can you lose 30 pounds?" my answer would have to be "um...yes. absolutely. If pigs can grow wings and fly, then I can lose 30 pounds." And of course I'd say that statement in my most dead-pan of voices while rolling my eyes and thinking how I can believe you'd ask a chunky monkey like myself such a stupid question.
The point is...30 pounds or 50 pounds or 80 pounds....whatever the total amount is ANY of us need to lose, it's pretty daggum daunting. I am not going to set myself up for failure. I'm not about to start thinking of the mountain that needs to be climbing before I manage to get over the hill that comes before it.
So yeah...today on a pretty insignificant day, I'm making a goal to lose a pretty insignificant amount of weight. Oh and to make it sound even more ho-hum?? I'm not even setting a date of when I plan to reach it. Sheeeew. No, son!
Here's what I figure. I'll make a plan. I'll do part of that plan each day. I'll monitor what goes in my mouth. I'll say a little prayer. I'll blog a little blog and I'll just see what happens.
Sometimes people just work better without a plan. That's sorta how I started my journey to becoming a reformed smoker. I didn't prep, like they always say. I didn't taper down. I didn't set a quit date. I just freaking quit. And I've slipped up here and there. But guess what? Whenever I have, I didn't throw my hands up in the air and say "Well, oops. I screwed up, might as well go back to being a smoker!" Nope, I just accepted that I slipped up and picked up where I left off.
So far that seems to be working best for me. I've been quit over a month (approx a month and a week.) and during that time I've had the equivalent of two packs. Trust me, compared to a pack and a half a day habit that I used to have, that's pretty much winning.
I feel like I've gotten a fairly good handle on the cigarette habit. So now, it's time to tackle these extra pounds. I'm not sure where they came from to be honest with you. Okay that's a lie....I know where they came from...stress eating, not exercising regularly, far too much fast-food and "convenience" eating and a lack of structure in mealtimes all contributed to all these extra pounds. However, I swear I didn't really know it was happening. One day I'm in the best shape of my life and the next I am struggling to do one flippin sit up.
But it's okay. I'm aware. I'm going to do something about it. Starting today. Don't know how long it'll take me, but I'm making an effort. And that's all one can do.
Tonight I began a thirty day ab challenge. 15 sit-ups, 5 crunches, 5 leg raises and an attempt at a 10 second plank (yeah, sadly I made it 6 sec. and fell on my face. pushed back up for 4 more seconds....i realize this equals 10, but I don't think that's how you're supposed to do it.)
Then I did a brisk 6 minute walk. (Again, i realize that sounds weak, but it is what it is.)
--------
I'm shocked in a lot of ways at exactly how out of shape I've gotten. Again, I can't say that I can't understand how it happened. But I am an active person. I'm constantly moving around and doing something. However I have absolutely no strength. Trying to do 15 situps was ridiculously hard. Planking was an epic fail. At this point I cant even imagine a 20 minute jog.
But we all must start somewhere. So embarrassing or not....i'm going to not only do this journey but attempt to blog about it. If it's read, so be it. If it's not, then at least I'll have it. To look back over as I continue on. Reminding me of where I started and where I'm going.
I just want to be healthier. I want to be in better shape. I want to fit into my clothes and not huff and puff when I walk up a flight of stairs. I'd like my feet to quit hurting, and my back to quit aching. I'd like to sleep better and just FEEL better.
So it begins: a journey to a ten pound lighter version of me....and then who knows??
Saturday, June 8, 2013
"Time to Quit"
I've been a "former smoker" for about three weeks now. Don't get me wrong, I've had a couple smokes within that three week period. None-the-less, I've not bought any and I am definitely not beating myself up for the few I've had when I compare it to my former pack and a half a day habit.
Yesterday at work, a co-worker asked me, "So Alice, what made you want to quit smoking?"
For about two minutes I just stared at her. Not because I'm soft in the head and didn't understand the question, not because I was angry that she'd asked, but because...well to be honest, I'm still not entirely sure.
I know it's been much easier this time 'round, then it has been in the past. Perhaps that's because my boyfriend also made the decision to quit. Perhaps it's because I was simply tired of smelling like an ashtray, or having no taste buds. Of course, those things were sorta unbeknownst to me. One can't smell their own ashy-ness and you lose your taste so slowly that you kind of don't realize you've lost it.
Perhaps I was tired of waking up hacking my lungs out, or feeling sticky and coated in nicotine anytime I worked up a sweat. Maybe I didn't want to lose my breath so easily. Or it could have even been that deep down I was trying to take better control of my health and stop the habit before cancer took me over. Yet, I'm still waking up stuffy because of allergies, and the pollution that is in the air still manages to make me feel sticky and gross. I really should lose some weight because I still gasp for breath, and as far as preventing cancer goes...well, I've got so much cancer in my family tree that I still may end up with it.
When you are a smoker, nicotine does tend to rule your life. Everything revolves around your smoke break- from getting up in the morning, to what you choose to eat (or DONT eat), to socialization, all the way to doing your daily deed in the bathroom! ( True.Story.)
Unconciously, you choose your friends around your habit, where you socialize with those friends and other habits and vices can be made worse because of it and it can be made worse in the presence of other habits. For example, I know people who may only smoke a few times a day really unless they are out drinking. If they have plans to go out to a bar, they have to plan for that and their survival pack will include multiple packs of their smoke of choice. And most of them will drink more as long as they have their smokes handy, once the cigarettes are gone and there is no way to get another- well the drinking will stop. Why? Because eventually the addiction kicks in and your need for a smoke is far greater then your desire to stay and drink. Ironically enough, most people will never be faced with that situation because it seems like everyone at the bars drinking has cigarettes and drunk smokers are very accommodating. They wont mind to bum ya, just so they don't lose the company.
So maybe that is part of my reason for quitting...i grew tired of my life being dictated by a habit. But honestly, our lives are all dictated by something. Do I suddenly feel free-er as a non-smoker? Not really....now I have to be more careful of where I go and who I'm around in order to avoid triggering my urge to smoke.
Some days I really miss my smokes. Like this morning, for instance. Sitting here drinking my coffee and reflecting, I imagine that a cigarette would be just wonderful right now. But instead I take a deep breath and allow myself to truly enjoy the taste of my coffee. With each inhalation, the smell of "home" floats into my body relaxing me far more then the nicotine ever did. As I think over the last three weeks combatting this addiction, self-confidence surges through my veins. I am kicking a habit that I've had for ten years. That's a big deal. If i can quit smoking, what else can't I do? I think of the money that I've been able to stretch further over the course of the past three weeks, then I ever usually can. And with each passing moment of being a former smoker, I'm able to imagine that many more moments of being a former smoker.
I flash back to that moment when my coworker asked "So Alice, what made you want to quit smoking?"
I stared at her for two minutes blankly and then replied, "It was just time."
And as each moment passes, I'm reminded of the truth of this statement more and more.
---------
A--
Yesterday at work, a co-worker asked me, "So Alice, what made you want to quit smoking?"
For about two minutes I just stared at her. Not because I'm soft in the head and didn't understand the question, not because I was angry that she'd asked, but because...well to be honest, I'm still not entirely sure.
I know it's been much easier this time 'round, then it has been in the past. Perhaps that's because my boyfriend also made the decision to quit. Perhaps it's because I was simply tired of smelling like an ashtray, or having no taste buds. Of course, those things were sorta unbeknownst to me. One can't smell their own ashy-ness and you lose your taste so slowly that you kind of don't realize you've lost it.
Perhaps I was tired of waking up hacking my lungs out, or feeling sticky and coated in nicotine anytime I worked up a sweat. Maybe I didn't want to lose my breath so easily. Or it could have even been that deep down I was trying to take better control of my health and stop the habit before cancer took me over. Yet, I'm still waking up stuffy because of allergies, and the pollution that is in the air still manages to make me feel sticky and gross. I really should lose some weight because I still gasp for breath, and as far as preventing cancer goes...well, I've got so much cancer in my family tree that I still may end up with it.
When you are a smoker, nicotine does tend to rule your life. Everything revolves around your smoke break- from getting up in the morning, to what you choose to eat (or DONT eat), to socialization, all the way to doing your daily deed in the bathroom! ( True.Story.)
Unconciously, you choose your friends around your habit, where you socialize with those friends and other habits and vices can be made worse because of it and it can be made worse in the presence of other habits. For example, I know people who may only smoke a few times a day really unless they are out drinking. If they have plans to go out to a bar, they have to plan for that and their survival pack will include multiple packs of their smoke of choice. And most of them will drink more as long as they have their smokes handy, once the cigarettes are gone and there is no way to get another- well the drinking will stop. Why? Because eventually the addiction kicks in and your need for a smoke is far greater then your desire to stay and drink. Ironically enough, most people will never be faced with that situation because it seems like everyone at the bars drinking has cigarettes and drunk smokers are very accommodating. They wont mind to bum ya, just so they don't lose the company.
So maybe that is part of my reason for quitting...i grew tired of my life being dictated by a habit. But honestly, our lives are all dictated by something. Do I suddenly feel free-er as a non-smoker? Not really....now I have to be more careful of where I go and who I'm around in order to avoid triggering my urge to smoke.
Some days I really miss my smokes. Like this morning, for instance. Sitting here drinking my coffee and reflecting, I imagine that a cigarette would be just wonderful right now. But instead I take a deep breath and allow myself to truly enjoy the taste of my coffee. With each inhalation, the smell of "home" floats into my body relaxing me far more then the nicotine ever did. As I think over the last three weeks combatting this addiction, self-confidence surges through my veins. I am kicking a habit that I've had for ten years. That's a big deal. If i can quit smoking, what else can't I do? I think of the money that I've been able to stretch further over the course of the past three weeks, then I ever usually can. And with each passing moment of being a former smoker, I'm able to imagine that many more moments of being a former smoker.
I flash back to that moment when my coworker asked "So Alice, what made you want to quit smoking?"
I stared at her for two minutes blankly and then replied, "It was just time."
And as each moment passes, I'm reminded of the truth of this statement more and more.
---------
A--
Friday, March 15, 2013
Exposed
"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."
(I promise I have a point...just bear with me...)
"Hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm gonna let it shine. Hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm gonna let it shine. Hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..."
Something about that old familiar children's church song rings true on so many levels. As I child, I can remember singing this in children's choir every year in Vacation Bible School. The Music Minister always stressed the importance of not hiding our love for Christ. As an adult, I still do find that message to be true.
However, I think that song speaks to more then just our Christianity.
I think it speaks in the very essence of how we should live our lives on a daily basis.
Open, Honest, Revealed and Brightly Shining.
----
I've always been an open person when it comes to my life. I've blogged for years, sharing my deepest most thoughts with strangers and friends. I have no issue with sharing most aspects of my life with people. I never have. Not because I like to bore people with the details of my life, but rather I just believe in being truthful. If you ask me a question, I'm going to give you a straight answer. If you want to know something and you take the time to ask, I'll tell you what you want to know.
I've never understood people that are contained. Don't misunderstand: I am not saying people don't have the right to privacy. But there's a big difference between privacy and simply hiding things.
This has been an issue that is often debated in my own household. My boyfriend thinks I'm nosy. I consider myself to be interested. I don't believe in pressing people for information that is on a need to know basis. I respect that. I shouldn't be privelidged to what's going on in everyone's life. Nor should everyone be priviledged to know what's going on in mine.
However, that's the thing..when something is on a need to know basis...someone KNOWS. You aren't simply living a lie, or keeping secrets from everyone. You should be able to trust SOMEONE, and in the realm of that trust there should be NO NEED to hide things.
I think there's a fine line between privacy and hiding. If I'm having some sort of stomache bug and spend all day in the bathroom, I am not required to tell everyone that I see, "Hey guess what? I am sick as a dog and I'm home pooping my brains out." (Sorry, that's a little gross..but I'm trying to make my point stick. ) That's personal private information. But you can be assured that if I talk to my boyfriend that day, or my mom I'm not going to hide the fact that I'm ill from them. I'll spare them the gross details, but I'd want them to know that I don't feel well.
The same as if I have an illness in the family, or a close family member is having some personal issues. I'm not going to get on facebook and blast that to everyone that I know. However, you can bet that I'm not hiding that information from those that are closest to me. I'm worried, I'm afraid, I need to vent.....whatever it is, someone somewhere will be a trusted confidante for me.
The same if a friend confides an issue that they don't want getting out. I'm not going to go tell every person that I talk to that day. that information is confidential. It's on a need to know basis. But SOMEONE SOMEWHERE knows.
Hiding things, that's a different story entirely. When we hide something, it's not because it's personal or private. It's because we have a sense of guilt over what we are doing. Because deep down we know we shouldn't be doing whatever it is that we have opened ourselves up to, and if those people in our "Need to Know" catagory found out; Well, maybe we're afraid of what they would say or think or do.
I have issue with hiding things. If you feel that strongly that you must keep someone from someone, then nine times out of ten you are going to end up LYING about it, as well. Hiding leads to Lying.
I have a REALLY big problem with Lying.
Deceit leads to even worse things- Anger, Resentment, Betrayal, Confusion, Isolation, Aggressiveness, Defensiveness....and on and on and on.
No good comes from it and that cycle usually begins when we as individuals make the decision to hide an aspect of our life.
Sometimes, my significant other gets annoyed with me because he feels like I have to know everything. What he's done, where he's been, who he's been around. It's frustrating to me because I can't get him to understand that I'm not asking because I am entitled, or because he owes some explanation to me for his every move. I'm just interested. I'm interested in his day and what he's done. I want to have open communication where we can talk about random, unimportant events just as much as we can the really big huge things. I think if you can get into a pattern about talking about trivial matters, then sometime's it's easier to open up about the big things.
At least it is for me.
It's not an issue of entitlement, it's simply an issue of involvement. Being a part of your daily stuff. We should want to let our "people" in. Communication is one of THE most important aspects to ANY relationship- Sibling, friend, parent, spouse, boss...etc. etc. We are meant to be relational people, journeying TOGETHER. And you can't very well go on an journey together if one person is left out of the loop, right?
I tell him all the time that I am an open book. You want to ask me about my day? Shoot. You want to know who've I've talked to? Ask. Where I've been? Just gotta approach me. I'll tell you. I have no reason or need to hide that information.
Same goes for my habits. Now, am I going to tell every Tom, Dick and Jane that I'm a smoker? No. But, most people know I'm not usually far from my cigarette pack. Do I drink? On occasion. Not as much as I once did, because I recognized a serious dependency problem beginning and I had to put a stop to it.
See right there ya go, Open Book. Because I am NOT ASHAMED of WHO I AM, or of where I've been or what I've done. Am I pleased with all of my many life's choices? Well, Hell NO. But I've learned from them, and I've moved forward. One way for me to stay on track and accountable is to be OPEN. To have those people that I can trust with everything.
I never want to hide my light or my life in a bushel. It is in the light, that we are truly seen and can truly grow. It is out in the open that we might find out who we are. Not stumbling around in the dark.
(I promise I have a point...just bear with me...)
"Hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm gonna let it shine. Hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm gonna let it shine. Hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..."
Something about that old familiar children's church song rings true on so many levels. As I child, I can remember singing this in children's choir every year in Vacation Bible School. The Music Minister always stressed the importance of not hiding our love for Christ. As an adult, I still do find that message to be true.
However, I think that song speaks to more then just our Christianity.
I think it speaks in the very essence of how we should live our lives on a daily basis.
Open, Honest, Revealed and Brightly Shining.
----
I've always been an open person when it comes to my life. I've blogged for years, sharing my deepest most thoughts with strangers and friends. I have no issue with sharing most aspects of my life with people. I never have. Not because I like to bore people with the details of my life, but rather I just believe in being truthful. If you ask me a question, I'm going to give you a straight answer. If you want to know something and you take the time to ask, I'll tell you what you want to know.
I've never understood people that are contained. Don't misunderstand: I am not saying people don't have the right to privacy. But there's a big difference between privacy and simply hiding things.
This has been an issue that is often debated in my own household. My boyfriend thinks I'm nosy. I consider myself to be interested. I don't believe in pressing people for information that is on a need to know basis. I respect that. I shouldn't be privelidged to what's going on in everyone's life. Nor should everyone be priviledged to know what's going on in mine.
However, that's the thing..when something is on a need to know basis...someone KNOWS. You aren't simply living a lie, or keeping secrets from everyone. You should be able to trust SOMEONE, and in the realm of that trust there should be NO NEED to hide things.
I think there's a fine line between privacy and hiding. If I'm having some sort of stomache bug and spend all day in the bathroom, I am not required to tell everyone that I see, "Hey guess what? I am sick as a dog and I'm home pooping my brains out." (Sorry, that's a little gross..but I'm trying to make my point stick. ) That's personal private information. But you can be assured that if I talk to my boyfriend that day, or my mom I'm not going to hide the fact that I'm ill from them. I'll spare them the gross details, but I'd want them to know that I don't feel well.
The same as if I have an illness in the family, or a close family member is having some personal issues. I'm not going to get on facebook and blast that to everyone that I know. However, you can bet that I'm not hiding that information from those that are closest to me. I'm worried, I'm afraid, I need to vent.....whatever it is, someone somewhere will be a trusted confidante for me.
The same if a friend confides an issue that they don't want getting out. I'm not going to go tell every person that I talk to that day. that information is confidential. It's on a need to know basis. But SOMEONE SOMEWHERE knows.
Hiding things, that's a different story entirely. When we hide something, it's not because it's personal or private. It's because we have a sense of guilt over what we are doing. Because deep down we know we shouldn't be doing whatever it is that we have opened ourselves up to, and if those people in our "Need to Know" catagory found out; Well, maybe we're afraid of what they would say or think or do.
I have issue with hiding things. If you feel that strongly that you must keep someone from someone, then nine times out of ten you are going to end up LYING about it, as well. Hiding leads to Lying.
I have a REALLY big problem with Lying.
Deceit leads to even worse things- Anger, Resentment, Betrayal, Confusion, Isolation, Aggressiveness, Defensiveness....and on and on and on.
No good comes from it and that cycle usually begins when we as individuals make the decision to hide an aspect of our life.
Sometimes, my significant other gets annoyed with me because he feels like I have to know everything. What he's done, where he's been, who he's been around. It's frustrating to me because I can't get him to understand that I'm not asking because I am entitled, or because he owes some explanation to me for his every move. I'm just interested. I'm interested in his day and what he's done. I want to have open communication where we can talk about random, unimportant events just as much as we can the really big huge things. I think if you can get into a pattern about talking about trivial matters, then sometime's it's easier to open up about the big things.
At least it is for me.
It's not an issue of entitlement, it's simply an issue of involvement. Being a part of your daily stuff. We should want to let our "people" in. Communication is one of THE most important aspects to ANY relationship- Sibling, friend, parent, spouse, boss...etc. etc. We are meant to be relational people, journeying TOGETHER. And you can't very well go on an journey together if one person is left out of the loop, right?
I tell him all the time that I am an open book. You want to ask me about my day? Shoot. You want to know who've I've talked to? Ask. Where I've been? Just gotta approach me. I'll tell you. I have no reason or need to hide that information.
Same goes for my habits. Now, am I going to tell every Tom, Dick and Jane that I'm a smoker? No. But, most people know I'm not usually far from my cigarette pack. Do I drink? On occasion. Not as much as I once did, because I recognized a serious dependency problem beginning and I had to put a stop to it.
See right there ya go, Open Book. Because I am NOT ASHAMED of WHO I AM, or of where I've been or what I've done. Am I pleased with all of my many life's choices? Well, Hell NO. But I've learned from them, and I've moved forward. One way for me to stay on track and accountable is to be OPEN. To have those people that I can trust with everything.
I never want to hide my light or my life in a bushel. It is in the light, that we are truly seen and can truly grow. It is out in the open that we might find out who we are. Not stumbling around in the dark.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
If you think the grass is greener....
Living in the modern age of technology can be a wonderful thing. Advancements in medicine and medical technology, more fuel efficient vehicles, electronic devices that can hold thousands of books and a myriad of other things prove that increased knowledge in the technological world can lead to the betterment of society.
However, it can also lead to it's detriment.
It used to be that in order to cheat on someone a person actually had to physically make the effort to meet someone. There were lies of working late in the office, important meetings one had to get to, or the classic, "Oh sorry, honey, I just lost track of the time while I was at x, y or z." A person had to be careful where they went, who might see them, or even who might overhear a conversation. There were so many risks of being caught, and perhaps for a twisted individual it was even the idea of this risky business that made the concept of cheating so enticing.
Today it's much more simpler.
And perhaps it's because of the increased ease, option and availability that so many do it. Plus, it's so easy to justify. "But, I'm not actually sleeping with her/him. In fact, I've never even met them!" Or one even better, "That's just someone I used to know when I was at such-and such job, or in highschool, or college, or... "....well you get the idea. It's nothing to worry about because they're only friends on Facebook.
But the fact remains that the very definition of cheating on someone is simply being unfaithful. One doesn't have to go on a date, or have sex with another in order to unfaithful. It's knowing that an individual trusts you and abusing that trust for your own selfish gain.
And thanks to modern technology being unfaithful has gotten a whole lot easier. We have facebook that connects us to a world of people...and through facebook we can send private messages, exchange pictures, even share our location so that might just happen to "bump" into someone.
We have cellphones...and with these cellphones all we have to do is have a phone number...and with that number, we can call, text, send and receive photos....and heck, throw in a data plan and you've got the same access to facebook. You don't even have to run the risk of your significant other catching you on the computer.
You can "safely" cheat on the go! And all the while, you're still convincing yourself-or maybe you aren't, maybe you can admit it and simply feel no remorse-that you aren't *really* doing anything wrong.
But that's the funny thing...you are. What's the point of meaningless texts with an individual you aren't in a relationship with? What's so great about seeing pictures of someone? Why is it that this seems to be okay with so many individuals that are already in committed relationships?
Honestly, unless you are in an "open" relationship- and I mean a truley "open" relationship, where your significant other is fully aware that you are chatting it up or drooling over, or even sleeping with someone else and they are completely okay with that- what is the point?
What is the point of starting something you aren't going to finish? And if you can so easily switch focus from the person you supposedly love ( and I say supposedly because if you love someone, you wouldn't even be going there), then what is the reason that you are even with that person?
I've never understood what drives people to cheat. I've always been the type of person that if I felt myself having wandering thoughts or eyes, then I realized that it was time to evaluate my current situation. If I felt that strongly that the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, then I just pack my stuff up, put the house up for sale and buy the house next door.
Unless of course the house next door isn't for sale...and well, that just brings up a whole new debacle.
There is never a reason nor an excuse to cheat. If you are bored in your current relationship, then talk it over with your significant other. If there's something missing, then see what you can do to bring that aspect to the table. If that's not the case and you simply want everything you see- then perhaps you should consider getting yourself into therapy OR find yourself a lady/fellow that wants to be in that aforementioned open relationship.
I'm the type of person that takes commitment seriously. When I'm in a relationship, i'm in that relationship. Anything that I need from the opposite gender, which is where my attraction lies, I should get from my partner. My boyfriend is my best friend and everything else...my help mate, my partner, my lover etc. etc. If I'm in need of additional companionship, then I seek out friends of the same sex to fill those roles. That's not to say that I don't have male friends, I do. But honestly they are either gay, or they are friends with my boyfriend and I don't talk about intimate things with them.
Perhaps I'm old school, but it just seems to me that looking for anything else brings on a whole slew of troubles. "Innocent flirting" is not innocent, nine times out of ten. Someone typically wants more...and even if neither parties do, you are disrespecting the person in your life that you claim to love.
I don't know any woman that would want to be with someone intimately, if they thought their partner was thinking of someone else when they were together. And that's exactly what it boils down to
Just keep in mind that if you think the grass is greener in someone else's backyard, more then likely there is a whole lot of fertilizer involved. And probably if you take a walk around you'll find your boots sinking pretty darn deep.
However, it can also lead to it's detriment.
It used to be that in order to cheat on someone a person actually had to physically make the effort to meet someone. There were lies of working late in the office, important meetings one had to get to, or the classic, "Oh sorry, honey, I just lost track of the time while I was at x, y or z." A person had to be careful where they went, who might see them, or even who might overhear a conversation. There were so many risks of being caught, and perhaps for a twisted individual it was even the idea of this risky business that made the concept of cheating so enticing.
Today it's much more simpler.
And perhaps it's because of the increased ease, option and availability that so many do it. Plus, it's so easy to justify. "But, I'm not actually sleeping with her/him. In fact, I've never even met them!" Or one even better, "That's just someone I used to know when I was at such-and such job, or in highschool, or college, or... "....well you get the idea. It's nothing to worry about because they're only friends on Facebook.
But the fact remains that the very definition of cheating on someone is simply being unfaithful. One doesn't have to go on a date, or have sex with another in order to unfaithful. It's knowing that an individual trusts you and abusing that trust for your own selfish gain.
And thanks to modern technology being unfaithful has gotten a whole lot easier. We have facebook that connects us to a world of people...and through facebook we can send private messages, exchange pictures, even share our location so that might just happen to "bump" into someone.
We have cellphones...and with these cellphones all we have to do is have a phone number...and with that number, we can call, text, send and receive photos....and heck, throw in a data plan and you've got the same access to facebook. You don't even have to run the risk of your significant other catching you on the computer.
You can "safely" cheat on the go! And all the while, you're still convincing yourself-or maybe you aren't, maybe you can admit it and simply feel no remorse-that you aren't *really* doing anything wrong.
But that's the funny thing...you are. What's the point of meaningless texts with an individual you aren't in a relationship with? What's so great about seeing pictures of someone? Why is it that this seems to be okay with so many individuals that are already in committed relationships?
Honestly, unless you are in an "open" relationship- and I mean a truley "open" relationship, where your significant other is fully aware that you are chatting it up or drooling over, or even sleeping with someone else and they are completely okay with that- what is the point?
What is the point of starting something you aren't going to finish? And if you can so easily switch focus from the person you supposedly love ( and I say supposedly because if you love someone, you wouldn't even be going there), then what is the reason that you are even with that person?
I've never understood what drives people to cheat. I've always been the type of person that if I felt myself having wandering thoughts or eyes, then I realized that it was time to evaluate my current situation. If I felt that strongly that the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, then I just pack my stuff up, put the house up for sale and buy the house next door.
Unless of course the house next door isn't for sale...and well, that just brings up a whole new debacle.
There is never a reason nor an excuse to cheat. If you are bored in your current relationship, then talk it over with your significant other. If there's something missing, then see what you can do to bring that aspect to the table. If that's not the case and you simply want everything you see- then perhaps you should consider getting yourself into therapy OR find yourself a lady/fellow that wants to be in that aforementioned open relationship.
I'm the type of person that takes commitment seriously. When I'm in a relationship, i'm in that relationship. Anything that I need from the opposite gender, which is where my attraction lies, I should get from my partner. My boyfriend is my best friend and everything else...my help mate, my partner, my lover etc. etc. If I'm in need of additional companionship, then I seek out friends of the same sex to fill those roles. That's not to say that I don't have male friends, I do. But honestly they are either gay, or they are friends with my boyfriend and I don't talk about intimate things with them.
Perhaps I'm old school, but it just seems to me that looking for anything else brings on a whole slew of troubles. "Innocent flirting" is not innocent, nine times out of ten. Someone typically wants more...and even if neither parties do, you are disrespecting the person in your life that you claim to love.
I don't know any woman that would want to be with someone intimately, if they thought their partner was thinking of someone else when they were together. And that's exactly what it boils down to
Just keep in mind that if you think the grass is greener in someone else's backyard, more then likely there is a whole lot of fertilizer involved. And probably if you take a walk around you'll find your boots sinking pretty darn deep.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
When you're too poor for peas....
I didn't come from a family of financial means. I guess the funny thing about that is as a child I never realized we were poor. It wasn't really until middle school that I discovered that this was the case. I suppose that is because even then in the nineties kids were cruel.
Part of the reason I never recognized the struggle that my family was in financially is because my house was filled with love and with laughter. My parents made do with what they had and they taught my brother and I so many valuable lessons along the way. Lessons that I don't think we really knew we were even learning until way later in life.
For instance, dinner time was always fun for me. Sure, I'd throw a hissy fit occasionally because we never ate out. It was only "special times' that warranted a hamburger from McDonald's or an actual drive to a sit-down restaurant. But most of the time, I was pretty content to eat at home, because my mom made making dinner fun. We were always having something different and the smells of veggies steaming, or meat cooking would fill the house.
It was the same at my Grandparents house. I come from a long line of pretty fabulous cooks. Recipes were passed down and passed along, through relatives and friends. My granny had a few cookbooks that she would use, but normally everything she made came straight from her head. My mom is the same way. She has loads of cookbooks and I can remember us opening them and flipping through them often, but she never really stared at one when she would begin cooking. She has always been really good at "tweaking" things. She might find a recipe she likes, and then substitute the majority of the ingredients with items she had on hand.
None the less, for the most part everything always ended up coming out pretty wonderful.
This pairs in with our financial situation, because what I never realized at the time but have since learned and incorporated myself is the resourcefulness of these woman. We always had a garden growing up, so if it was during season you could be assured that home grown vegetables would be included. When it wasn't season, we'd still use those home grown veggies- just in their canned or frozen form- however, they had been put up.
If the garden hadn't done well, or in later years when my family no longer gardened to the intensity that they once had, store bought canned veggies or frozen veggies would be used. My mom was, and still is, great at finding bargains and using coupons.
This is one of those valuable lessons that I mentioned earlier. Today I find myself doing the same thing that she always does. I scour my local papers for coupons, always look at the weekly sales ad when writing out my grocery list and make sure to check out all managered special items when I get to the store. Day old breads and meat that the sales date is coming up on, can always be repackaged and frozen until you are ready to use it.
Another valuable lesson came in the simple form of simply knowing how to throw a few odds and ends together to make a tasty dinner. It might not have been filet mignon, but I can promise you it was always good. Today, I still have a heart for casseroles and the comfort that they bring when I put them together.
In fact it is this very thing that inspired this post!
I'm thankful that the man that has been the love of my life for the past three years is also fabulous in the kitchen. My Significant Other has an associates in Culinary Skills and when it comes to making a meal, he's the man for the job! He has a different spin on cooking compared to my mom and granny. The meals that they cook are "simple home country meals". His view on cooking is a bit more "exotic", compared to them. It's still good, just different then what I know. However, I like that because I've also learned a lot from him especially in regards to flavors. I'm also willing to try things that I never had or didn't think I would like, because I trust him when he says something is good.
He teases me because I am notorious for using recipes. Even if it's something I've made a million times, I have to have a recipe in front of me. Unlike my mother and my grandmother, and unlike my boyfriend, I am not comfortable just "whipping things together."
Usually.
And that is something else that inspired this post! ( okay okay, I'll get to the point..)
Finances are pretty tight for me and my SO. I'm in college working towards my Masters Degree, and so I haven't been able to work much. The job market and economy has been in such a drought that jobs are hard to come from. He's found a stable job that he's been at for over a year, but it doesn't pay nearly as much as it should given all he does.
This month has been the roughest of all. The residual funds from the Student Loan I had have depleted, and thought I picked up a job, I just started. His hard earned check paid our rent and and other bills and at the moment we're both broke as could be. No trips to the grocery, no eating out. Basically, we've got what we've got and that's all we've got until we get our next check.
So as I meandered through the cabinets this evening, looking for something to eat other than Ramen Noodles, I happened upon a couple cans of tuna. Sure enough we had some pasta up there as well and suddenly I was reminded of the classic Tuna Noodle Cassarole. I know not everyone is a fan, but like I said, growing up we ate a lot of things that might not have been considered "cuisine". And did I mention I really love casseroles??
Thinking back to the basic recipe I knew people typically include peas. We have no peas in this house...So as usual, I started doing some recipe flipping. Of course, recipe flipping in 2012 is a lot different then it was back in 1994. Now with a click of a mouse and a few taps of the keyboard you can Google anything!!
So i did some "Googling" and hit the jackpot. One of the first recipes I found was for a "pea-less" tuna noodle cassarole.
And then that's where I did something a little different. I looked the recipe over and then decided, to do it all on my own....
Heres my recipe for Home-Made Tuna Noodle Casserole. Feel free to use it OR feel free to be inspired by it to create your own:
What you'll need:
Butter ( about one tablespoon to cook with, one tablespoon for your crust, and some to run into a 12x9 baking dish, unless you'd prefer to use a cooking spray)
One Can Mushroom pieces
Celery, chopped. (I used about three stalks )
1 package of french onion soup mix
1 cup of water
2 cans of Tuna Fish
1 can of Cream of Mushroom
Box of Pasta, ( (I used elbow macaroni, because that's what we had!)
Parmasian Cheese (as much as you prefer)
Shredded Cheese ( your choice, about a cup unless you prefer more)
Ritz crackers, crushed for your crust.
Preheat oven to 350
In a skillet, melt a tablespoon of butter and then saute your mushrooms and celery. After a few minutes, sprinkle in the french onion mix and stir in cup of water.Also, drain your two cans of tuna and add that in. Allow to simmer on Medium, stirring occasionally so as not to burn, until the water cooks down.
At the same time, boil your pasta until Al Dente. I always throw in a little salt with it.
Drain the pasta, rinse with cold water so your noodles wont be sticky.
In a large bowl combine your noodles with your tuna/veggie mixture. Pour in cream of mushroom and stir until it's all covered. While it's still warm, sprinkle in your parmesian cheese and your shredded cheese and make sure that's all nice and mixed up.
In a different smaller bowl, put a little butter over your crushed Ritz crackers, and microwave just long enough to melt the butter. usually about 30-45 seconds will do it.
Grease a 12X9 baking dish with some butter or with a cooking spray, whichever you prefer.
Pour in your tuna/noodle mixture and then top with your buttery ritz crackers. ( I typically stir those up a bit to make sure that the crackers are all coated.)
Place in the oven for 20-30 minutes, until crackers are browned.
Remove from oven and let stand for just a few minutes.
ENJOY!
Part of the reason I never recognized the struggle that my family was in financially is because my house was filled with love and with laughter. My parents made do with what they had and they taught my brother and I so many valuable lessons along the way. Lessons that I don't think we really knew we were even learning until way later in life.
For instance, dinner time was always fun for me. Sure, I'd throw a hissy fit occasionally because we never ate out. It was only "special times' that warranted a hamburger from McDonald's or an actual drive to a sit-down restaurant. But most of the time, I was pretty content to eat at home, because my mom made making dinner fun. We were always having something different and the smells of veggies steaming, or meat cooking would fill the house.
It was the same at my Grandparents house. I come from a long line of pretty fabulous cooks. Recipes were passed down and passed along, through relatives and friends. My granny had a few cookbooks that she would use, but normally everything she made came straight from her head. My mom is the same way. She has loads of cookbooks and I can remember us opening them and flipping through them often, but she never really stared at one when she would begin cooking. She has always been really good at "tweaking" things. She might find a recipe she likes, and then substitute the majority of the ingredients with items she had on hand.
None the less, for the most part everything always ended up coming out pretty wonderful.
This pairs in with our financial situation, because what I never realized at the time but have since learned and incorporated myself is the resourcefulness of these woman. We always had a garden growing up, so if it was during season you could be assured that home grown vegetables would be included. When it wasn't season, we'd still use those home grown veggies- just in their canned or frozen form- however, they had been put up.
If the garden hadn't done well, or in later years when my family no longer gardened to the intensity that they once had, store bought canned veggies or frozen veggies would be used. My mom was, and still is, great at finding bargains and using coupons.
This is one of those valuable lessons that I mentioned earlier. Today I find myself doing the same thing that she always does. I scour my local papers for coupons, always look at the weekly sales ad when writing out my grocery list and make sure to check out all managered special items when I get to the store. Day old breads and meat that the sales date is coming up on, can always be repackaged and frozen until you are ready to use it.
Another valuable lesson came in the simple form of simply knowing how to throw a few odds and ends together to make a tasty dinner. It might not have been filet mignon, but I can promise you it was always good. Today, I still have a heart for casseroles and the comfort that they bring when I put them together.
In fact it is this very thing that inspired this post!
I'm thankful that the man that has been the love of my life for the past three years is also fabulous in the kitchen. My Significant Other has an associates in Culinary Skills and when it comes to making a meal, he's the man for the job! He has a different spin on cooking compared to my mom and granny. The meals that they cook are "simple home country meals". His view on cooking is a bit more "exotic", compared to them. It's still good, just different then what I know. However, I like that because I've also learned a lot from him especially in regards to flavors. I'm also willing to try things that I never had or didn't think I would like, because I trust him when he says something is good.
He teases me because I am notorious for using recipes. Even if it's something I've made a million times, I have to have a recipe in front of me. Unlike my mother and my grandmother, and unlike my boyfriend, I am not comfortable just "whipping things together."
Usually.
And that is something else that inspired this post! ( okay okay, I'll get to the point..)
Finances are pretty tight for me and my SO. I'm in college working towards my Masters Degree, and so I haven't been able to work much. The job market and economy has been in such a drought that jobs are hard to come from. He's found a stable job that he's been at for over a year, but it doesn't pay nearly as much as it should given all he does.
This month has been the roughest of all. The residual funds from the Student Loan I had have depleted, and thought I picked up a job, I just started. His hard earned check paid our rent and and other bills and at the moment we're both broke as could be. No trips to the grocery, no eating out. Basically, we've got what we've got and that's all we've got until we get our next check.
So as I meandered through the cabinets this evening, looking for something to eat other than Ramen Noodles, I happened upon a couple cans of tuna. Sure enough we had some pasta up there as well and suddenly I was reminded of the classic Tuna Noodle Cassarole. I know not everyone is a fan, but like I said, growing up we ate a lot of things that might not have been considered "cuisine". And did I mention I really love casseroles??
Thinking back to the basic recipe I knew people typically include peas. We have no peas in this house...So as usual, I started doing some recipe flipping. Of course, recipe flipping in 2012 is a lot different then it was back in 1994. Now with a click of a mouse and a few taps of the keyboard you can Google anything!!
So i did some "Googling" and hit the jackpot. One of the first recipes I found was for a "pea-less" tuna noodle cassarole.
And then that's where I did something a little different. I looked the recipe over and then decided, to do it all on my own....
Heres my recipe for Home-Made Tuna Noodle Casserole. Feel free to use it OR feel free to be inspired by it to create your own:
What you'll need:
Butter ( about one tablespoon to cook with, one tablespoon for your crust, and some to run into a 12x9 baking dish, unless you'd prefer to use a cooking spray)
One Can Mushroom pieces
Celery, chopped. (I used about three stalks )
1 package of french onion soup mix
1 cup of water
2 cans of Tuna Fish
1 can of Cream of Mushroom
Box of Pasta, ( (I used elbow macaroni, because that's what we had!)
Parmasian Cheese (as much as you prefer)
Shredded Cheese ( your choice, about a cup unless you prefer more)
Ritz crackers, crushed for your crust.
Preheat oven to 350
In a skillet, melt a tablespoon of butter and then saute your mushrooms and celery. After a few minutes, sprinkle in the french onion mix and stir in cup of water.Also, drain your two cans of tuna and add that in. Allow to simmer on Medium, stirring occasionally so as not to burn, until the water cooks down.
At the same time, boil your pasta until Al Dente. I always throw in a little salt with it.
Drain the pasta, rinse with cold water so your noodles wont be sticky.
In a large bowl combine your noodles with your tuna/veggie mixture. Pour in cream of mushroom and stir until it's all covered. While it's still warm, sprinkle in your parmesian cheese and your shredded cheese and make sure that's all nice and mixed up.
In a different smaller bowl, put a little butter over your crushed Ritz crackers, and microwave just long enough to melt the butter. usually about 30-45 seconds will do it.
Grease a 12X9 baking dish with some butter or with a cooking spray, whichever you prefer.
Pour in your tuna/noodle mixture and then top with your buttery ritz crackers. ( I typically stir those up a bit to make sure that the crackers are all coated.)
Place in the oven for 20-30 minutes, until crackers are browned.
Remove from oven and let stand for just a few minutes.
ENJOY!
Friday, November 30, 2012
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