I've been a "former smoker" for about three weeks now. Don't get me wrong, I've had a couple smokes within that three week period. None-the-less, I've not bought any and I am definitely not beating myself up for the few I've had when I compare it to my former pack and a half a day habit.
Yesterday at work, a co-worker asked me, "So Alice, what made you want to quit smoking?"
For about two minutes I just stared at her. Not because I'm soft in the head and didn't understand the question, not because I was angry that she'd asked, but because...well to be honest, I'm still not entirely sure.
I know it's been much easier this time 'round, then it has been in the past. Perhaps that's because my boyfriend also made the decision to quit. Perhaps it's because I was simply tired of smelling like an ashtray, or having no taste buds. Of course, those things were sorta unbeknownst to me. One can't smell their own ashy-ness and you lose your taste so slowly that you kind of don't realize you've lost it.
Perhaps I was tired of waking up hacking my lungs out, or feeling sticky and coated in nicotine anytime I worked up a sweat. Maybe I didn't want to lose my breath so easily. Or it could have even been that deep down I was trying to take better control of my health and stop the habit before cancer took me over. Yet, I'm still waking up stuffy because of allergies, and the pollution that is in the air still manages to make me feel sticky and gross. I really should lose some weight because I still gasp for breath, and as far as preventing cancer goes...well, I've got so much cancer in my family tree that I still may end up with it.
When you are a smoker, nicotine does tend to rule your life. Everything revolves around your smoke break- from getting up in the morning, to what you choose to eat (or DONT eat), to socialization, all the way to doing your daily deed in the bathroom! ( True.Story.)
Unconciously, you choose your friends around your habit, where you socialize with those friends and other habits and vices can be made worse because of it and it can be made worse in the presence of other habits. For example, I know people who may only smoke a few times a day really unless they are out drinking. If they have plans to go out to a bar, they have to plan for that and their survival pack will include multiple packs of their smoke of choice. And most of them will drink more as long as they have their smokes handy, once the cigarettes are gone and there is no way to get another- well the drinking will stop. Why? Because eventually the addiction kicks in and your need for a smoke is far greater then your desire to stay and drink. Ironically enough, most people will never be faced with that situation because it seems like everyone at the bars drinking has cigarettes and drunk smokers are very accommodating. They wont mind to bum ya, just so they don't lose the company.
So maybe that is part of my reason for quitting...i grew tired of my life being dictated by a habit. But honestly, our lives are all dictated by something. Do I suddenly feel free-er as a non-smoker? Not really....now I have to be more careful of where I go and who I'm around in order to avoid triggering my urge to smoke.
Some days I really miss my smokes. Like this morning, for instance. Sitting here drinking my coffee and reflecting, I imagine that a cigarette would be just wonderful right now. But instead I take a deep breath and allow myself to truly enjoy the taste of my coffee. With each inhalation, the smell of "home" floats into my body relaxing me far more then the nicotine ever did. As I think over the last three weeks combatting this addiction, self-confidence surges through my veins. I am kicking a habit that I've had for ten years. That's a big deal. If i can quit smoking, what else can't I do? I think of the money that I've been able to stretch further over the course of the past three weeks, then I ever usually can. And with each passing moment of being a former smoker, I'm able to imagine that many more moments of being a former smoker.
I flash back to that moment when my coworker asked "So Alice, what made you want to quit smoking?"
I stared at her for two minutes blankly and then replied, "It was just time."
And as each moment passes, I'm reminded of the truth of this statement more and more.
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A--
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